Week 4 living at Douglas LOWS

Week 4 started off not so great. Within the first 2 hours of being with the kids Sunday, I cried. I felt super discouraged and the boys did not have nice things to say to me. They were rowdy and loud and fighting and hyper and difficult. I spent all of Sunday morning and mid afternoon just sad and arguing in my head with God over why I even needed to live at this children's home in the first place. I kept yelling things like, "Why do I have to take care of 14 kids? Why now? Why me? Couldn't someone else do a better job of this? Someone who speaks more spanish? Someone who has been a mom before? The kids would be fine if I left. Someone else would take care of them. It wouldnt be that bad if I left. " But honestly I know that none of that is true. It is all lies from the enemy. Pray for me. This job is rough.

Today one of my 4 year old boys was on the swings and somehow got ejected from them and fell on this face and smashed up his nose really really bad. Blood. Everywhere. And I didn't even see it happen. I was changing a diaper inside. But I feel like it's my fault. I'm supposed to be watching him and protecting him. But I can't be in 14 different places at one time. I only stretch so much.

Pray for my boys. Pray for me.

On a positive note - Adrian did his homework today without fighting me. He just walked over, got his backpack and did it. That's victory.

Week 3 Highlights

Many awesome things have occurred in my third week with the boys so I thought I'd share a few:

1. My twin from UF came wednesday to help me - Kristen Marks. she'll be with me for the next several weeks. Praise God.

2. I honestly feel like I'm breaking up less fights everyday with each passing week. They are playing and sharing better. They know that I do not like it when they hit each other or when they take "justice" into their own hands with a swinging fist. Also, they have begun to realize how angry I get when they say hurtful things to each other. We say NICE things in my dorm. Not mean things to each other.

3. My apartment was sprayed for bugs and a guy came to actually measure for new windows because every single one of them is broken and there are no screens or A/C and my apartment is always full of bugs and things that bite me - yay. This might change soon.

4. Back2back has helped this children's home find someone who can do the laundry now several days a week - each day we pay someone else to do it is a day I don't have to do it which is AWESOME.

5. My boys call me by my name. Some try to call me "mommy" and I've tried to explain to them that I'm not their mommy but that I love them and they can call me "tia caroline" which means aunt caroline. A few are a bit difficult with this and insist on calling me "mom." But the bottom line here is this: my boys feel loved. That's the greatest victory on the planet. And this will take a lot of time.

6. I get to put them to bed each night. We give a prize the following morning to the one who was the first to fall asleep. They like this game very much - obviously I do as well. Prizes are one of the following: a hotwheels car, a bag of plastic fake insects, or a bag of candy. They get to pick if they win.

7. Kristen brought with her Ice Age 3 the DVD so we don't have to watch Ice Age 2 anymore. Praise Jesus.

8. We use classical music to put the kids to sleep with my ipod dock each night. This is very helpful.

9. This past week, we had MUCH MORE successful nap times for the little guys.

My moment of the week though.... is a tie between 2 and they were both the same day-- A. I was playing legos with a few in the afternoon while some kids napped, some did homework and some watched a movie. We were having so much fun and laughing and using our imaginations. And I was having so much fun with them and they were playing so well. I could not help but think of how much their parents are missing out on because they are not with their children and can not play with them. Most of my boys have living parents who just don't want them or can't take care of them. My heart broke and I literally just started crying right there in front of them. These boys are so beautiful and so love-able. I wish their parents could enjoy their smiles and imaginations day in and day out like I get to.

B. Some of my boys are so affectionate. Putting one of them to bed this past week almost brought me to tears. I just love him so much. And he just wanted to be close to me as I sat next to his bed as he fell asleep. He'd put his little hands and my leg and pat my leg just like I pat his back so he'll fall asleep. He is a little 3 year old ball of love.

I feel like many of my perceptions and thoughts are changing with the passing weeks. At first, I really felt like I was giving all of myself to these kids - I was laying it all on the line. I moved into an orphanage. I let go to my "summer" desires - I can't enjoy our summer groups or do projects with them or go to worship or hang out with my favorite interns on the whole planet. I have laid down any and all reasonable sleep hours or eating habits. I'm exhausted and I am their primary care giver. But this past week, I realized that I havent really given all of myself to these boys. To give myself completely to these boys would involve something far more sacrificial - and that would be to adopt some of them. To offer of my life to be their parent. They'll never have that. I hate their reality. But I praise God that in this season of their life I can be present and attentive and affectionate and celebrate who they are and who God created them to be. I praise God that he has brought me to a relationship with him and that He used Mexico to change my life. I praise God that he called me to move here 2 years ago which made NO sense to me at all. I praise God that he laid this specific home on my heart and these specific little boys. I praise God that he made it possible for me to protect them, to come to them, to hear them and to begin to lead them out. God's hand has been so incredibly obvious in all the ways He has been at work for quite some time to bring to this exact place, time and service. I'm here, with these 14 boys for such a time as this. God always knows what He is doing.

Please pray for my boys this week. Pray that they would know that someone actually thinks they are awesome. Pray for new permanent workers who would love them and affirm them everyday. Pray for good behavior and less tantrums from my sweet Marcos who is incredibly clingy and thinks he's being abandoned all over again every time I leave the room. Pray for my oldest boys to understand that they set an example with their good or bad behavior for the younger boys.

And pray for my heart especially on Friday because my Meg and my Quin are leaving and honestly I'll just be heart broken. (yeah I literally just started crying and i'm only TYPING that they are leaving... Pray that this week lasts forever) Their month as interns is up and they have to go back to America to do important things like get jobs and go to college and study abroad and continue to grow in Christ as the beautiful, passionate and talented women of God that they are. Our interns sacrifice a lot to be here in the summer so pray for them. Pray that God blesses them and leads them and directs them as they go home and try to not conform to those around them who want to lead them astray.

Week 4 with my 14 begins tomorrow...

Meet My Boys

Here are a few of my boys in the pool from this past week. I decided to make my own field trip and me and a few Americans took my dorm of boys to the Back2Back property for a pool party one afternoon after school.

Israel

Alexis

Jahir

Oziel

Isai

Luis

Alex

Jose

Miguel

Fernando

Marcos

McDonald's Mornings

It only took me 3 weeks to decide that maybe it'd be good for my own sanity if I left the children's home every once and a while. The mornings are a great time for me to take a little field trip because 11 of my 14 kids go to school then. Most mornings though, I'm watching the other worker's kids that don't go to school while I work on doing the laundry for the entire orphanage. But last week, I decided to get out not once but TWICE. So I went where all good americans go: McDonalds with my 2 and 3 year olds. They love to play in the play place and I buy them ice cream cones after I drink 2 large coffees in air conditioning. This might have been the best idea of the whole 3rd week. Next week, I plan on going at least once. My boys have a really hard time sitting down though and staying in their seats while we drive but other than that - this is an easy trip for me.

Enjoy the photos:

David

My little snuggle man: Oziel

Marcos - who screams if you walk away from him for even a minute. He was recently abandoned and thus a little emotionally needy right now

A photo of my dorm

Thought I'd share with you all a photo of part of my boy's dorm. They sleep on trundle beds. The government said bunk beds are unsafe a few years ago. I agree. My kids are crazy. I can't imagine having bunk beds. Anyways... here it is

Warning: This one will break your heart

There are many difficult aspects of caring for 14 special needs abandoned little boys 24 hours a day. Aside of my exhaustion in trying to care for them and keep their dorm clean each day, is the daily heartbreak of the reality of their pain. These kids have been through a lot in their individual pasts. But their present is often full of heartache as well as a result of their abandoned circumstances as you can, I'm sure, imagine.

This week I got to see a drastic example of this in one of my older boys. Tuesday was his birthday. He got a special placemat at lunch and a cup cake and a hat and got to pick out a toy from the birthday bin thanks to a wonderful wonderful volunteer named Kathy who lives here in Monterrey. But he was depressed. I didn't understand. The next day he was also depressed. I guessed it had something to do with his birthday. I noticed that no family came to visit him and figured that must be why he's upset. I found out 2 days after his birthday that his mom had actually come the day after his birthday to visit. Except - she didnt visit with him... only his older brother and his friend!!! If that's not horrible, I don't know what is. He's been depressed and crying all week and I finally learned why. Explains a lot.

Pray for my little man.

He actually woke up FIRST today and was the FIRST to get out of bed at 6 am to get dressed for school. I was so so so proud of him and made a HUGE deal out of it. This entire week I've had to dress him in bed and carry him to the dining hall or carry him to school. Poor guy... he's depressed. But he sure is cute and photographs beautifully.

God will heal their hearts

Adrian above, almost NEVER smiles. He is as angry as they come. He loves to play in the shower though and that's just about the only times I get to see his joy each day. But look at him here - he's absolutely beautiful. And last week he asked Sammy (a B2B intern) for a hug!!!

Above is the love of my life - little Oziel. He is the polar opposite of Adrian and the happiest child in my dorm of 14. He loves to give hugs and he's quite the talker. He is also without a doubt the smelliest before getting in the shower each day. One of his favorite daily activities is to collect bugs and put them in coke bottles. Gross. He can have an attitude- dont get me wrong - but he is for sure the most cheerful kid out of my bunch.

"Who is this King of Glory? The Lord, strong and mighty, the Lord mighty in battle." - Psalm 24:8

I am very aware that there is a battle going on regarding my boys.... a spiritual battle for their joy and self confidence. They are the children of God and our enemy wants nothing more than to beat them down. But God is mighty in battle and I've had the privilege to see Him at work these past two weeks in ways I've never seen before. God will win. Adrian's smile proves it to me.

Week 2 with my 14 boys

This past week.... wow lots of things have happened. I found out one of my favorite people on the entire planet is going to fly here next week to stay for 20 days or so to help me 24 hours a day. She's in for a treat hahaha. This is obviously incredibly encouraging seeing as i'll be mom to 14 boys for another several weeks. It takes an army. They have so much need.

Yesterday, we went on a field trip to a big soccer field with a Back2Back visiting group of americans. The boys enjoyed it a lot. I enjoyed getting a bit of a break from chasing them myself because other americans could do that for a few hours. We even remembered to put a diaper on my 3 year old when he fell asleep on my lap. Mexico won their world cup game so the whole country of Mexico was in a great mood. It was a great opportunity for me to step back from the group of my 14 boys and be able to remember how much I love each and every one of them INDIVIDUALLY. I had enough energy to focus on that. They are each so unique and special and beautiful.

While on this field trip, I realized (or at least I think I realized- not sure yet) that 2 of my 14 boys had lice. So we bought a hair razor and buzzed all of their heads one by one outside when we got home. Then we proceeded to use lice shampoo on all of them while they watched the movie Robots. It was a little crazy but they all thought they looked very handsome with their new hair cuts. Honestly though, I'm not even 100% sure if that's what it was. One of them might just have a fungus on this head. Either way, my boys will not be dealing with this if I can help it. I was thankful we were there this week because honestly, if it was someone else taking care of them - they wouldn't have done anything to treat this. Some things just get overlooked when you have that many things to do at once with no energy and no breaks. and PRAISE GOD that they are BOYS and I can buzz their heads. That makes it much much easier to see in the coming weeks if any of them actually do get lice eggs. I'll get that junk before it gets to ME. I use lice shampoo once a week to make sure I don't get anything. But I dont want them to have it either. They kept asking, "why are we doing this? I just want to take my shower now. Can I be first to take a shower? please? Does someone have lice?" I told them that we were "protecting them" from getting lice and that maybe some of the little girls dorm next door had lice.

This week my sweet friend Sammy who spends most days with me there put on my ipod dock each night at bed time to classical music. Worked like a charm. They calmed down right quick. The first night we did it - we looked around the room in shock that they were actually sleeping without fighting us about it. You gotta celebrate stuff like that.

How I'm doing: I'm not sick anymore. No more fever. And I feel really good. Being mom to 14 kids takes adjusting just like any new job. If you started a new job tomorrow and worked 80 plus hours next week with no breaks... you'd be exhausted too after the first week. But then the 2nd week - you get used to it a little bit. So I don't feel like dying today. However, this is horrible but I'll just come out and say it.... I felt like Kate on Jon & Kate plus 8 a few times this week. I can become really short with people and snappy. I want the kids to be clean and quick breaking things and I'm pulled in 100 different directions at once and then I turn into Kate. BAD.

More updates later. I have some photos to post and updates on how the boys are changing a bit.

Thank you for your prayers for the boys.

Mid-way through week 2

Today I feel really encouraged. Some of the B2B staff came yesterday to help me bathe and put the kids into bed. It takes an army to get that done without anyone breaking a bone or killing someone.

I also got 2 hours off to go to dinner and eat a salad last night. That really refreshed me.

I've been very aware the last 48 hours of how much the enemy wants me to be tired and annoyed and short tempered with my special needs kiddos. This is a battle. And if you know me decently well, you'd know that I dont take crap from anyone. If it's a battle - I fight. So I'm fighting. Pray for me. Pray for my ability to remain calm and give each child love, respect and attention even when I'm tired from caring for them 16 insane hours everyday. I got good sleep last night - almost 7 hours. I feel great today.

Yesterday one of 4 year olds starting beating the crap out of his 2 year baby brother. I put him in time out and he proceeded to tell Kurt that he just wanted to kill 2 of his brothers and he didn't like them at all. He later calmed down but this is an example of the kind of anger these kids have at the cards life has dealt them. Nothing is easy for them. Nothing makes sense. They have so much need. And God loves them very very much.

Day 8 continued

so would it be fun for you all if I kept a count of the number of times I change sheets b/c a kid peed in the bed? no. I don't think so. Let's just say it's a lot.

Today I did 16 loads of laundry. 16. Now... that's not just for my 14 boys. That's for the entire orphanage. But still... that's A LOT. and it's like 100 plus degrees outside and I put everything on and off the clothes lines.

Pray for me - I need patience with the kids. I'm there to show them love. I need to be patient with them. Even when I'm hot and 5 of them fight each other to sit on my lap all at the same time. They just need a mommy. They each need their own mommy.

Pray for the eventual longterm workers who will eventually come and replace me. Pray they'd come soon.

Pray for people to come and help me. Pray I get rest.

Living at Douglas - day 8

If not sleeping ever is the sign of being a good mom - call me awesome.

Yesterday I had a fever and it's like 100 degrees so that was fun.

I feel better today although I didnt really sleep last night and I slept in my contacts. yay.

But it's fine. The boys are listening to me more this week than last.

A sweet friend who lives here in Monterrey brought me some great things that I needed - 2 new pillows for the boys, some prizes for good behavior and some great movies. We watched Robots last night and the boys didnt move for 2 hours. Praise God. In fact, it was such a hit that kids from other dorms came over to watch it too <-- that's how I know I'm cool. hahah

Funny Story: So last night during shower time, my 4 year old walks in all nakie and yells IN ENGLISH, "YOU WANNA A PIECE OF ME?!!? I PEE AND POO IN MY PANTS!" I couldnt keep a straight face to save my life. Then he proceeded to make up a song with the words in english, "you wanna a piece of me." Whatever american taught him that yesterday is going down. hahaha.

Week 2 begins

Week 2 begins tomorrow for me and my 14 boys.

Please pray for patience, moments that would feel like "rest" while caring for 14 at once, good sleep at night, for good conversations with my boys, for help when I need it the most, for good transitions from different activities throughout the day, that i'd get enough food this week <-- it can be difficult to find time to eat when you are chasing that many kids constantly and for a plan for this weekend and how to care for them. Please pray that the kids would listen to me and be as calm as they can be through their learning disorders, speech impediments, behavioral disorders and anger.

Please pray for my kiddies and that they would feel loved, secure and confident. Pray that they'd know they are loved and wanted and important. Pray that they would have good days at school and that their teachers would have patience with their special needs.

Pray that I would have wisdom and know what to do when things get crazy and that I'd be filled with the joy of the Lord and be reminded of how much God loves each of these children and be able to see them through his eyes. Pray I don't cry. hahaha - yes that did happen last week.

When I think of each of these boys individually, I see hurting and heartbreak. I see all the ways the world has completely failed them and continually let them down. The only person or event that will ever help these kids is the God intervening in their lives and pursuing them like I know He is. God is moving. We begged him to in prayer and I'm seeing it happen right before my very eyes. He can heal these kids. He can fill their empty hearts. He can do it. He's the father to the fatherless.

here are a few photos of a few of my boys when they are being super good -->

this is sammy with one of our boys - she was one of the interns who spent the week with me. she's an awesome mom to 14 if there ever was one

Day 6 living at Douglas

We survived our first week of being full time caregivers. The kids survived. We had a few cuts and bruises, ant bites and one ran and fell and hit a wall and split his head open on his way to bed (this might give some indication as to how difficult it is to put all 14 at once into bed) but they are all okay. I almost took the 6 year old with his head split open to the hospital after the rest were asleep but I cleaned it really good and he was okay - so strong though, he almost barely cried. Although, as I went to throw away what I had been cleaning his head with - he grabbed the children's tylenol and took another shot. You take your eyes off ONE of them for a second and they do whatever they want.

At one point last week - one of the 6 year olds decided he wanted to take a shower right after lunch, without asking, WITH HIS CLOTHES ON, and to top it off he convinced a 2 year old and a 3 year old to join him - all with clothes on. I couldn't help but laugh. I think the 6 year old is autistic- honestly - I'm not just saying that. Many things are just not right with him. He needs a lot of extra attention. But that is why we are here. His mom has said out right that she doesn't want him. He is a handful yes - but also incredibly sweet and affectionate.

The most difficult thing for me I think is bed time. The hour before bedtime is bath time and they brush their teeth. They love this part of the day. But bedtime - that's the craziest. If you have kids you know how hard it can be to put ONE kid down - let alone 14 and most of which have special needs. Bedtime at an orphanage has got to be the saddest thing on the planet. For the rest of the day - I can convince myself that we are all alright and that they are just like any other kid but not at bedtime. They are desperate for love and attention. So much of what is necessary for their development has been robbed from them.

I for sure had many moments where I had to stop myself and just in the moment beg God to fill me so I could keep going- for energy, for patience, for peace in the midst of insanity.

The day goes like this:

5:55 am -I get up

6:06 am - wake up the kids and change them into school uniforms for breakfast

6:25 am - breakfast then cartoons and craziness till school starts

7:20 am - the oldest 9 goes to school and we feed and entertain the youngest 5

8:40 am - my 2 pre-schoolers go to pre-school, leaving me with 3 who are too young for pre-school

9 till 12- clean, do laundry, play with little guys and eat breakfast myself

12:20 pm - the 11 school age kids come home and need to be changed out of uniforms and into play clothes

1 pm - lunch. sitting 14 little boys down at one table together creates an environment of throwing food at times, yelling, spilling things and hitting the kid next to you. This however is improving i think.

1:30 till 3 - play and continue to do laundry, keep kids out of things they shouldnt be in and entertain them which mostly means split the kids up as much as possible so they don't fight. Find different things for different groups to do in areas where you can keep an eye on all at the same time

3 pm - homework. homework with kids who have undiagnosed ADHD and learning disabilities. But thanks to the amazing Kurt Kersey - Fernando completed his homework everyday this week which is such an accomplishment that Fernando himself sang about how he finished his homework everyday for an hour afterwards.

4 - 6 pm - entertain

6:30 pm - dinner

7ish or 7:30 pm begin bathing all 14. one at at time while controlling hte other 13 you arent bathing and brushing teeth with

8:30ish or 9 - try to put them to bed and then sit around till 9 or 9:30 to make sure they dont get out of their beds

9:30 till 10:30 ish - eat dinner myself and shower

and repeat.

The next morning - kids are never where you left them. In the middle of the night different kids get up and move beds and get in bed with a different kid. I have beds for 12 so 2 kids have to share a bed with someone else but they dont seem to mind at all.

My Picture of the week: Adrian's smile. It doesn't happen hardly at all. He is a very hard and angry 7 year old. He's been through a lot. But I got to see him smile and laugh quite a few times this week because he thinks bath time is awesome and I let him throw the water wherever he wants.

Day 3 living at Douglas Update

We are all doing fine - me, my intern team and my 14 kids.

Interesting surprise for me: they LOVE bathing and they LOVE LOVE LOVE to brush their teeth. I thought both of those would be struggles. They try to brush their teeth like 5 times a day. Apparently my new tooth brushes and kids toothpaste are a hit.

Keep praying for us. Putting them to bed isn't the easiest.

Pray for our patience and energy levels. we are getting up at 5:55 am to get the kids ready for school each morning.

But God is good and the kids smiles are all i need to keep this up.

It's hard but honestly - I love it.

Finally - i move in

Summer has officially started for Back2Back Mexico. We have groups every week for 8 weeks straight and it's crazy. I loved last summer so much mostly because I loved sharing my love for the orphans we serve with our summer interns. But this summer will be different.

Why?

Because I'm moving into an orphanage tomorrow and I will be in charge of a dorm with 13 little boys ages 2 to 7.

As much as this move feels unexpected and unplanned... it's been my hope and prayer for about 9 months now. This is all I've ever wanted. This is my dream. I'm going to be mom to the same little boys who own my heart.

God has worked all the details out. He's moved mountains and He is pursuing those little boys. God wants to show them love and wants them to feel secure. For whatever reason - out of all the people on the planet... God's calling me to this. I feel so ill-equipped and unprepared. I feel so unworthy of such a calling. I'm scared. I've never been mom to just one child. let alone 13 all at once and IN SPANISH.

I have a car seat in the back seat for my 2 year old David in case I need to run errands and take him with me seeing as I'll have him 24 hours a day and his 3 year old brother Oziel who are too young to go to pre-school yet. Car Seat = INITIATION to motherhood for sure

Oh Lord, how far you have brought me! How you've prepared my heart for the past 2 years to be obsessed with those little boys and to demand nothing but the best for them. God you haven't left them or forgotten them. You come to HEAR them and rescue them and lift them out. God you are so so GOOD. You've heard all of our prayers this past year and half. And you answer. For I know, You are FAITHFUL my God.

I prayed these whole past 9 months for God to bring good care givers for these kids - who would be nurturing and love them and reassure their fragile and shattered hearts of their identity and worth to the King of Kings. God told me a few months ago that I was the answer to this prayer and that I could stop looking for workers. For a while I think I thought this was just metaphorical. Apparently not - I move in tomorrow. For months, I thought I just needed to learn the truth about what work, hours or living conditions I'm "too good for" and what I'm not and if I was willing to move in - that was good enough. Nope. I thought this would be impossible. Nothing is impossible for God.

For how long you ask? I don't know.

I won't be by myself. Some of my favorite interns in the planet will be with me. So don't you worry.

Pray for me.

Pray for my sanity and my ability to communicate in spanish.

Pray that I would be able to reflect the love that God has for those boys in every moment.

Pray that I'd be patient and full of energy.

Pray that David, Oziel, Marcos, Ale, Jose Daniel, Fernando, Alexis, Isreal, Isai, Cesearo, Adrian, Luis, and Jahir would feel wanted and loved and happy.

Pray I can serve these kids in this capacity for as long as necessary.

Get ready for some interesting blog posts. It's only just beginning.

God has been saying to me all day: "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." - Joshua 1:9 and I find myself smiling a lot today.

I was freaking out yesterday. Today, I'm excited. Today, I've celebrated what God has been doing and how He has been moving.

As much as I'd love to deny this - I've been created for such a time as this.... such a time as this.

Let's hope I feel the same way NEXT week.