If you only knew

Dear Sweet boy,

I wish you knew and I mean really understood how much I love you.  I tell you all the time and sometimes you say it back to me.  I catch you making eye contact with me sometimes while we are in church or watching something and you don't seem to be embarrassed when I mouth, "yo te quiero," (I love you) and point to me and you and draw a heart in the air with my finger - I love watching your face light up with a huge grin when I do. It kind blows my mind how secure you seem at some moments - enough to run up to me and hug me, some awkward american, in public or in front of all your friends at school ... yet so insecure at other times.

One of the greatest joys of my life is taking you to your soccer games and sitting on the sideline as your mom.  I love how fearless you are as you run after the ball. But more than any goal you've ever scored - I love it when you look up into the stands trying to find me to see if I'm watching and when you realize that I am for sure watching you, you light up with a grin ear to ear. All it takes for you to melt my heart is one look. It's in those precious moments of your greatest joy that I can hardly believe that you look to share that with ME.

One day I hope you can look back at all of your years of living in an orphanage with Caroline and know that God loves you furiously. He will hold nothing back to pursue your heart - to show you who He is.  I pray you can see that and know your maker little man.

Life has handed you some really tough cards.  Your mom left you at such a young age.  She went on to have a completely different life and didn't invite you into it.  She left you full well knowing that you were in an orphanage.  She's only come back to divorce your dad and brought with her all of her new kids from her new family.  I know that hurt you so much to see with your own eyes.  But I want you to know something....  She's wrong and buddy - she's the one missing out.  She doesn't get to hear your jokes or celebrate your good grades or hear you say, "Thank you." She doesn't get to sing happy birthday to you. She doesn't get to tuck you in at night or kiss your cheeks.  She doesn't get to watch your school plays or see your beautiful smile everyday.

But guess what?  I do.  And I just love you.  I choose you every single day.  I chose to live with you and I continue to choose you over and over again.  Why?  Because my Redeemer lives. Because God loves you and promises to be your Father and come to you, hear you, rescue you, provide for you, defend you and lift you up and out.  I pray that Jesus captures your heart and life like he's captured mine.

One day, you'll get to leave the orphanage. You know because you hear me praying it every night - that  the desire of my heart and my prayer is that happens tomorrow.  I pray you get to leave and live with a family like YESTERDAY.  Someday it'll happen for real.  And I'll be singing Hallelujah and crying all at the same time.

You are so loved,
Caroline