Consumed and Broken

Confession:

When I'm apart from them and close my eyes, I see them - their sweet faces, their longing eyes, their desperation for their family. I can't get them out of my thoughts, prayers, my conversations - 14 little boys are consuming all of me.

If I'm not with them, how do I know they are okay? Are they crying? Did someone hit them or steal their hotwheels? Did they wet the bed? Did they get a hug today? I have no idea if I'm not right there with each of them. So I wonder - how does their real biological mom feel? How can she abandon such a beautiful little boy full of imagination, affection and feelings? As I long to be with each one of them when I'm doing some work project or at some other children's home, I feel 1 ounce of the longing they feel for their mom everyday. They wonder if she will ever come back or if they did something wrong and that's why she doesn't want them anymore. My boys carry a lot of pain. Their hearts are heavy and in some you can just see it in their eyes.

God is my supply and my joy. He fills me up with his love until it overflows. And my heart just aches with the love God has given me for those boys. He lovingly created each one of them. You hear a lot of times in Christian circles that you should "guard your heart" in relationships sometimes. I've heard that phrase recently more than once in reference to my kiddies. But I'm just going to say this - so hear it - I'm pretty sure there is not one place in scripture that says we should guard our hearts from the orphan child. Nope. Doesn't say that anywhere. Isaiah 58 says I should spend myself on behalf of the poor and oppressed and then my light will break forth like the dawn. The more I feel myself spending myself on behalf of these sweet abandoned boys, the more I feel God lighting a fire in my heart to spend more time with them and the more I feel God meeting my every need. Hearing Oziel or Israel laugh hysterically or Alex say "your grandma poops" or David try be a tough guy against an 8 year old or Gustavo tackling me or Marcos not screaming or Miguel saying "I love you" or Alexis' smile - that fills me.... more than enough than all I need.

Dear Jesus, I do NOT understand how their moms could abandon them. Lord God I pray that you would make a way for these boys to not have to spend their entire childhood in an orphanage. I pray that you would restore them to their biological families or that you'd make a way to give them a real family with someone else. Jesus bring people to these orphanages that will raise them like a loving mother would. Come to them God - hear them and lead them out God in ways that only you can. Calm their hearts and comfort them when they cry themselves to sleep at night longing to be with their real family. You have not nor will you forget them. Protect them from the enemy who wants to beat them down even more. Be faithful to them. Amen.

I moved out of Douglas

The time came about 2 weeks ago for me to move out of Casa Hogar Douglas and transition back to working with our American teams for the rest of the summer. Many of my boys were able to go home for a few weeks of their summer break off school with grandma or their aunt or some their mom - whoever was able to bring them "home" for a bit. During this time, the number of children at Douglas is less and the need for workers also less. Thus, I was able to leave my post as full time care giver.

Leaving them as not exactly been easy for me. The first 2 days away from them, I cried pretty much constantly. I thought I'd be excited to have the opportunity to eat and sleep like a normal person but instead, I just felt like a fish out of water. I've spent these past 2 weeks trying to live in the moment and realize that God has marked my days out for me in advance. He knows what is next for me. He knows what is next for my boys. I've been fixated on Hebrews 12:1 which says, "let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." God is determining the path and I just need to walk in it. God knows whether or not I will move back in to be with the boys again in August or September. Perhaps, God has someone else in mind for this task.

6 out of my 14 boys have no one to pick them up and they are still at the orphanage. They are now living with another worker at the home until school starts back up again in August. To assist her, I've been going over to Douglas every evening after dinner to bathe the boys, brush their teeth, help with laundry and put a movie on for the kids on my DVD player.

The first week after I left Douglas was not particularly awesome for my 2 year old who made it very clear that he was not fond of the recent care giver changes. He is part of the reason why I've been going over every evening.

On my days off from groups, I've been able to spend some awesome intentional time with 4 of the boys who had no where to go during "vacation." We've had days at the pool, lunch dates, we went to the movie theater to see Shrek 3. My 3 year old decided that he'd rather watch the movie from the floor next to me than to sit in his seat at the movie theater. I didn't argue with him. He's rather feisty and can be incredibly loud in public places. He was super content with his juice, chips and bag of candy that his favorite Caroline brought for him. He screamed with glee when he found 2 bubble gums in his candy bag. Honestly, I think he wouldn't have cared if we went to the movies, so long as I gave him 2 bubble gums. I like to think that I did not waste $20 taking them to movies. The older two at least thought it was an awesome way to spend a rainy day.

gangs all here! at the movies to see Shrek 3

looks like a really bad pop rocks ad don't it? or for dentistry services. yes he has a grill

playing who can drown their brother first

i bought ice cream and cones for douglas for after dinner the other night - and afterwards david could not stop running back and forth, back and forth screaming with joy

perhaps Jose makes a better model than Oziel?

David

David pulling a stage 5 clinger and me - looking rather ugly haha

a RARE moment when Oziel corporates with anything- here he smiles for a photo with me. except that's not entirely true - he almost never says, "no!" when I ask for a hug.

if i had to display one photo to sum up this kid- this is it right here. I am absolutely obsessed with this little 3 year old about to be 4 years old in 2 months, yelling, bullying, laughing, joyful, bug eating, fist punching, nose picking, snuggle ball. On this day, he didn't really feel like swimming- he mostly wanted to sit to the side and eat chips. This child does what he wants, when he wants... unless it's bath time and then there is no fighting me. I win every time.

School is out

School officially ended for all my boys about 2 weeks ago. My dorm had all the boys in preschool, kinder, 1st and 2nd grades.

Jose Daniel graduated from kinder and will go on to 1st grade next year. He had a graduation ceremony and had to get all dressed up. We found out about this ceremony a good 15 minutes before it was scheduled to happen - but he was very excited to go and this was the only day of my 5 weeks with him that he gladly cooperated in getting dressed for anything. He kept saying, "they are going to give me prizes because I graduate today." Upon hearing this, everyone else decided that they would also like to go to school today as well. Except no one else had school that day except Jose.

Sammy, the b2b intern who was helping me that day with the boys, attended his graduation ceremony as his "parent" while I stayed behind with my other 13 boys. The thought that his mom didn't even know he was graduating that day broke my heart or the idea that he'd have to go without anyone to celebrate him and take pictures of him. Jose is a huge fan of Sammy and I'm pretty sure that if he had to pick someone other than his mom to attend - he would have asked for Sammy. I was super thankful we were with them that day and able to make a big deal out of his big day and be his substitute "mommys."

3 of my other children were invited to attend a "good grades" party. My boys, I've learned, aren't exactly excelling academically. But regardless - I was happy to see something positive associated with doing well in school. Back2Back has received a significant amount of grant money recently to help this particular children's home academically and we've now been able to hire special ed tutors to come several times a week and even one full time staff member who will tutor children full time and advocate for those who need to attend schools for children with special learning disabilities. I believe all of heaven is rejoicing with the news of this upcoming blessing that will truly change these children's lives.

Cesareo won this HUGE truck that is larger than he is. The boys took turns

driving it around the dorm all day and hiding lego men inside it.

Luis won this clock which he proudly hung up in our living room by the TV

Isreal (striped shirt) really brought home the bacon. He had the 2nd highest grades of ANY boy, any age from the ENTIRE children's home. That same morning before they told me that he was going to a good grades party, he was practicing multiplication flash cards in front of the TV... so I wasn't surprised. He won this awesome indoor play tent. The boys went crazy with this one - taking turns sitting inside or putting all the pillows inside.

Who smells?

Oh sweet Oziel how I love thee... let me count the ways.

This past week we lost power every night almost on schedule at around 9:30 or 10 pm. We'd be stressing a bit between 7 and 8 pm just to make sure that every child was bathed before the power went out. Why? Because after 12 or 13 hours of being crazy little orphan boys - my kids are really stinky and dirty. The thought of putting this kid to bed without a bath is frightening to me.

And besides - I love these little boys more and more with each passing day and I just want to hug them and love them all day - and I really appreciate it when they are clean even if only for 5 minutes if they are going to continue to jump all over me and I'm going to kiss on their chubby little cheeks.

I learned that when the power goes out all night - orphan kiddies dont usually sleep well. In fact, most of them were awake almost all night either yelling at the other kids to wake up so that they don't have to be alone in their fear, or crying because they are scared, wetting their bed because their night light for the bathroom doesnt work when the power goes out or a whole list of silly reasons why Caroline doesn't sleep AGAIN.

(thanks for the photo megg)

Hurricane Alex - Rio 3 Update

Yesterday, I went out to Rio 3 with Jim and Betty to deliver food, water and clothes. I asked Olga how we could help her and what she thought was the most important things they needed. She had a lot to say:

The Night of the Storm and flash flooding: Olga said there were some 500 plus people crammed into the church because the water came up over the lip of the community and took out everyone's shacks along the river. She described a stampede of people and livestock running towards the church. She ran outside though against the stampede looking for certain children. She kept praying and saying, "God these are my people. I need to find my people." She did find the children she was looking for and ran back into the church with 20 some children following her. She laughed inside saying, "is this some kind of movie I'm in?" She was worried because many of the dangerous men from the community were inside the church and she wasn't sure if riots or fighting would break out in the middle of the night. But she said, "God you have brought all of these people here and you have a plan and you will lead us out."

Currently:

Most people's homes are gone. Everything along the river is gone. There are 5 families that belong to her church and are faithful members who have lost everything - their homes, clothes, everything except each other. They (about 35 to 40 people) are now permanently living in the church until they can arrange for something else. Most nights anywhere between 60 and 140 people are sleeping on the floor in the church. Last night it rained for the second night in a row and over 120 people slept on the tile floor.

Reconstruction:

People immediately began squatting on land and claiming it as their own. The men refuse to leave their area in fear that someone else might claim it. The women and children are running around trying to find building supplies in the rubble, clothes to wash and food which they then bring to the men. This process blows my mind. Standing out there- it looked like the photos I saw of Haiti post earthquake. Olga says that she is not going to get involved with construction because it could cause fighting and riots. She's trying to keep the peace.

Olga's daily struggles:

Olga is currently feeding 500 plus people 2 meals each day. She is struggling to maintain the amount of food and water she needs to feed the people and to have enough - she says if she runs out - riots could occur. She is also providing people in the community a place to take a bucket bath and then she provides them with a change of clothes. No one has anywhere to put any donations she might give them- they carry around a grocery bag and that's it. So she just takes their dirty clothes and hand washes I guess and gives clean clothes to the next person.

Her words for us- I told her I'd send an email to our american friends:

She says, "thank you so much for what you do. I thank God for ministries like yours because you are doing what the Mexican government refuses to do. You are helping these people. I thank God for the American groups you all have brought to teach my congregation what it means to share and to serve others. I've had many conversations with our church members who now have nothing and are having a hard time wanting to share what God is bringing to our church with the rest of the community and especially with those on the other side of the river who come across for help. Your groups have shown them how to serve others. And now I'm asking them to follow in your example and serve this community."

How Back2back is currently helping:

Jim and Betty have been out everyday at least once a day - some days many trips - to bring drinking water and food. We've brought out a ton of donations - clothing, sheets, towels, shoes, diapers, feminine pads and every single travel size toiletry that's been donated in the last 4 months. They are very useful right now. Today Jim tried to go out and buy enough yoga mat type material to cover the entire church floor for all those sleeping there. I believe Back2back is donating 30 or 40 mattresses from the LDM as well.

Pictured above is Olga. Pray for her. She is the woman we stand back to back with in this Rio community. She hasn't slept in many days I think (but she looks super awake in this photo which was taken 3 or 4 months ago)

This is the usually dry creek bed that is the Santa Catarina River that became a monster in Hurricane Alex. It ripped through the city of Monterrey - and destroyed the homes in Rio 3 along the river. For those from the McCollum group - this is where we had that soccer game - it's now underwater.

Another shot of the "dry creek." TONS of water rushed through areas like the rio communities we serve and came up over people's homes - destroying everything.

It was shocking to me to see people EVERYWHERE trying to claim their land and rebuild in the mud with trash and whatever they could find laying around. Everyone was digging through the debris and guarding their "land"

The aftermath at Rio 3 - all the homes are gone

This is the exact spot where we would walk groups down to see the river and pray for Olga - now there is nothing

People digging through the trash trying to find anything that could be used to rebuild or old clothes that they could hand wash and wear

How you can help:

Please pray for Olga. She's exhausted but trusting in God to provide and to keep the peace.

If you feel led to donate to our relief fund to help communities like this one and if you'd like to donate online, please click on (or cut/paste into your web browser) the following link https://donations.back2backministries.org/ and indicate your donation for “General Mexico Needs.” Donations by checks payable to Back2Back Ministries should be sent to: Back2Back Ministries, P. O. Box 70, Mason, OH 45040.

The Impact of a B2B Intern

The awkward family photo of the encargada team - Kurt, Sammy, Quin and myself

Back2Back has summer interns each year who serve for either June, July or both months. They sacrifice summer jobs to come and serve behind the scenes to help Back2Back host american teams for 8 weeks straight. They prep early and clean up late. They "give it away" often in regards to interacting with the children in the homes we serve so that the visiting group member can connect with the kids. If anyone around here deserves a crown in heaven - it's our summer interns.

This past month several interns in particular really championed our efforts to take over one dorm at Casa Hogar Douglas. They would come over at 7 am and work all day or work on their days off to be with the kids- help bathe kids and put them to bed. They helped do the laundry for the entire children's home for 3 weeks straight. They did it all. Without their support - I would have quit before week 1 was over. I call them the "dream team."

And perhaps the high light of the entire month I'd say was the 2 hour conversation Kurt had with one of my boys which resulting in this 8 year old praying to receive Christ as his Lord and savior last week. Kurt has a real gifting - well many giftings if I'm honest. But one of them is his ability to block out the craziness around him and focus on the one in front of him. He can focus and have meaningful conversations for hours with one child who was in trouble - talking through how he was feeling, why he acted like he did and what he could do differently next time. Kurt is just a dad. He fathered these children. And he fathered one to realize the void in his heart for a relationship with God. This same child came up to me running on Saturday and told me how sorry he was for his actions. He and Kurt had talked about how that now that he is a Christian - He needs to act like one and realize that there is a difference between Christians and non-Christians. This same 8 year old turns 9 years old this upcoming Saturday. God ALWAYS knows what He is doing.

Kurt, Quin and Sammy - I love you guys. You know that. But now it's public. I'm sorry the storm prevented me from going to Fede or the garage last week. That just means that you all have to come back soon so we can "finish" our unfinished business. Quin - this would include Meme's burgers and potatoes.

Hurricane Alex photos of the B2B property

I don't have a ton of pictures from the Back2Back property during the storm but these paint about 1/100th of the story. We had 40 inches of rain in less than 36 hours. The property is on the side of a rather large and steep mountain. We received RIVERS of runoff for days. In this runoff was everyone's septic from the entire neighborhood. One of our interns described the situation like this: "the neighborhood properties were like ice cube trays. They filled up and overflowed onto each other." We had a new "river" form on the property almost every hour. We had to blow holes through the perimeter walls every couple of feet to keep the walls from collapsing. There were 4 large groups of American teams here during the storm. Everyone was soaking wet trying to redirect water through the property and sweep the rivers that started flowing through the dorms. People were awake all night blowing holes through our walls, moving cars (mine was almost lost.... darn), making barricades, removing buckets of water out of Todd's first floor, sweeping out the river from the LDM, bringing water to sick people and praying. We lost power for about a day.

The ground became so wet around the property that 5 foot deep man holes developed in random places. At 5:30 am, I was walking with one of our nannies- Meg Weaver - who lost her shoe in the rivers- to try and check on the intern girls, see if anyone could leave the property, bring them water, etc. Walking from one end of the property to the other was like being in the movie 2012. Matt Cooper woke up and walked out his teen home door only to fall chest deep into a man hole that he didn't know was there. That was my picture of the day.

Most staff hadn't slept in 24 or 30 hours. Few made much sense in their instructions. But everyone pitched in. The groups were amazing. The interns were like marines. God protected us all. I don't think I'm going to be near any mountains next time a big hurricane comes through. I could have never imagined how insane this was location was going to be during the storm.

Another insane sight was watching our 120 american guests finally get out of the neighborhood. The bridges into our neighborhood were out. The "creek" that usually flows through there had turned into niagra falls. By the afternoon Friday, the water had gone down about 7 feet so Juan Porto hooked up a rope system and put harnesses on some people and the groups carried their suitcases over their heads and waded in knee deep mud and water to get to the high way to find their bus and try to get to the airport. Mexicans from the neighborhood stood outside all afternoon watching us try to evacuate. Once the last american visitor had gotten across, most went back home saying, "I guess the show is over."

The back wall behind LDM became a network of pipes to channel the water

this is me playing in the septic water that I didn't know was septic water at the time

This was the property's first river BEFORE things got bad

the clinic didn't float away although at 1 am when guys were busting holes through the walls near the clinic - i actually was worried that the building might collapse. I kept thinking about the email I'd send to John Guck if it did. John - you did good.

this was the "bridge" to get out of our neighborhood. 100 plus group members waded through this to get out

One of our many man holes near a teen home. Most of the teen homes experienced a lot of water in their first floors

The river out the back gate

I walked into the LDM at 5:30 in morning Friday- we had no power- no lights- american guests thought they would be leaving to make their flights which turned out to be canceled... and they couldn't get out of the neighborhood anyways so it wouldnt have mattered. I walk in to the LDM to find a RIVER flowing through dorm 1 out the front door and dazed and confused group members and interns like Anna and my sweet Quin (in blue- yelling, "I'LL SWEEP THE FLOOR!!!" just kidding) sweeping the water out the front door like a curling team. Go canada. Absolutely insane.

Today is Monday - the property is drying out. The sun is out right now. Praise God for that. Every teen on our property, intern, and staff are out right now cleaning stuff up for the 3rd day in a row. The teens on our property have been amazing. They have really come together for one purpose, stayed up all night removing buckets of water from indoors, shoveling gravel to redirect the rivers, cleaned, packed food for the rios, gone to the rios with us and offered themselves to help in any way possible. It's like one big team here. That's a good feeling.

Hurricane Alex - Monterrey

This is the road on the OLD way to the airport. We now take a longer detour. Flash flooding hit this city hard.

I'll post more soon but I just wanted to say to all those who have been praying for us and wondering how we are doing - that we are all safe. The Back2Back property took an insanely hard hit. The children's homes for the most part are fine and didn't suffer much damage other than having no water or power for a while.

Most homes in the rio areas that we serve have been completely destroyed. The area I went to today looked like haiti - seriously. People just walking around and looking for trash with which to build their shack. These people have nothing- literally nothing - just the shirts on their backs. Most have no shoes. I'll write more about this soon.

If you want to see video of the hurricane's affect on Monterrey - click here this is in spanish but it shows some of how insane the flooding has been. The river in this video is usually a dry creek bed.

Here is another video - this one from the weather channel. CLICK HERE to watch.

Perspective

they look cute, but be careful - they can bite

I'm learning a lot regarding what life is like on a daily basis for the kids and workers in the children's homes Back2Back serves. After being a full time care giver to 14 for the past month, God has given me a whole new perspective lens into the daily reality of what it's like to care for so many orphans with so many needs. It didn't take long for my perspective to change.... it only took about 36 hours of walking in their shoes for me to freak out a bit, take a step back and say, "I had NO IDEA how hard this was going to be."

When you care for 14 abandoned and often times special needs orphans 24 hours a day - you don't always have time to go to the bathroom, or eat, read a book, or do anything for yourself. These workers get up at 5 or 6 am everyday to start getting the children ready for breakfast and for school. They care for children NON-stop till usually 10 or 10:30 pm. Once the kids are in bed, you race to eat something, shower and go to bed yourself so that you can get up the next morning and start all over again. And throughout this 16 hour work day, kids call you bad names and take out their frustration on you. They almost never say thank you. Many hate living in these children's homes and they tell you it non-stop.

This past week, one of my 14 had an ear infection and was up from 2:30 am till 6 am screaming my name, waking up the other children, and yelling, "CAROLIIIIIINNNEEEE!!!! My ear hurts!!!!" He must have yelled that 300 times. I sat with him for about 3 hours. I rubbed his back. I begged him to go back to sleep. He kept yelling about why he wanted to watch TV at 4 am. I gave him children's tylenol and gave him more medicine for his ears. By the time he finally fell back asleep, it was literally 5 minutes till when I was supposed to get up myself and wake up the other children to get ready for school. So I never went back to bed. The following day was rather long as I'm sure you can imagine. But the needs for these children never stops. You can't say, "time out." These workers do not have the ability to say, "I need a nap" or "I need a personal day."

When a child has not had a bath in 2 days because a worker has had a fever or just can't handle it anymore - now I think I understand a little better why this would happen. My heart absolutely goes out to these workers. I've only been one of them for 1 month. I cannot imagine doing this job because my husband died and now I don't know what else to do or because a children's home is a safe refuge from an abusive boyfriend. I'm not really sure what kind of "refuge" you'd find as you take care of 14 plus special needs kids.

Pray for these workers. This job is without a doubt the most difficult thing I've ever done in my entire life. They are my heros. They do this everyday. They take care of God's children. They take care of them when they are sick, when they can't read, when they do bad things to get your attention, when they cry because they miss their mommy.

The mom of one of my 4 year old boys came to visit last Sunday. I had to hold him as he screamed for his mom as she walked away and left the children's home. In his screaming, he peed all over my clothing. Our world is very messed up when a 4 year old has to scream for his mom and watch her as chooses to leave him and walks away, never looking back. Afterwards, of course he was angry and threw a fit all day. Add dealing with that aftermath to list of responsibilities for the world's most tired workers.

Perspective. Mine is changing.

If I want better for these kids, I'm going to have to help. This is exactly what I've been doing- I moved in. But my oh my, I never imagined how difficult it would be. To give you a little more perspective: I traded places with an intern last week so she could come to douglas and be with my boys. I worked for her, she worked for me. I spent the entire day moving bricks from downstairs to upstairs in the rain and it felt like a vacation compared to a full day with my 14 boys who I love with all my heart.

I'm still processing all of this - how I can better serve these children, the workers, the children's homes... would you pray for me throughout this process?