If you only knew

Dear Sweet boy,

I wish you knew and I mean really understood how much I love you.  I tell you all the time and sometimes you say it back to me.  I catch you making eye contact with me sometimes while we are in church or watching something and you don't seem to be embarrassed when I mouth, "yo te quiero," (I love you) and point to me and you and draw a heart in the air with my finger - I love watching your face light up with a huge grin when I do. It kind blows my mind how secure you seem at some moments - enough to run up to me and hug me, some awkward american, in public or in front of all your friends at school ... yet so insecure at other times.

One of the greatest joys of my life is taking you to your soccer games and sitting on the sideline as your mom.  I love how fearless you are as you run after the ball. But more than any goal you've ever scored - I love it when you look up into the stands trying to find me to see if I'm watching and when you realize that I am for sure watching you, you light up with a grin ear to ear. All it takes for you to melt my heart is one look. It's in those precious moments of your greatest joy that I can hardly believe that you look to share that with ME.

One day I hope you can look back at all of your years of living in an orphanage with Caroline and know that God loves you furiously. He will hold nothing back to pursue your heart - to show you who He is.  I pray you can see that and know your maker little man.

Life has handed you some really tough cards.  Your mom left you at such a young age.  She went on to have a completely different life and didn't invite you into it.  She left you full well knowing that you were in an orphanage.  She's only come back to divorce your dad and brought with her all of her new kids from her new family.  I know that hurt you so much to see with your own eyes.  But I want you to know something....  She's wrong and buddy - she's the one missing out.  She doesn't get to hear your jokes or celebrate your good grades or hear you say, "Thank you." She doesn't get to sing happy birthday to you. She doesn't get to tuck you in at night or kiss your cheeks.  She doesn't get to watch your school plays or see your beautiful smile everyday.

But guess what?  I do.  And I just love you.  I choose you every single day.  I chose to live with you and I continue to choose you over and over again.  Why?  Because my Redeemer lives. Because God loves you and promises to be your Father and come to you, hear you, rescue you, provide for you, defend you and lift you up and out.  I pray that Jesus captures your heart and life like he's captured mine.

One day, you'll get to leave the orphanage. You know because you hear me praying it every night - that  the desire of my heart and my prayer is that happens tomorrow.  I pray you get to leave and live with a family like YESTERDAY.  Someday it'll happen for real.  And I'll be singing Hallelujah and crying all at the same time.

You are so loved,
Caroline

You are special

Sammy and I live with 10 boys.  1.5 years ago, when the first boy's birthday came about, Sammy and I discussed what should be our policy for their birthdays.  We thought it was very important that each boy feel special on the calendar day of their birthday - remembered, celebrated, loved and we wanted to include their siblings and parents or family whenever possible.  We decided that whenever one of our boys has a birthday, that the birthday boy gets to pick how we celebrate.  He decides if he wants a pizza party or cake or a lot of ice cream or tacos or burgers - whatever.... the point is - he picks it.  On average, Sammy and I spend maybe $40 a boy.  But I must say... the look on the child's face when they see their cake or open a present is literally priceless.  So I'd like to share a few of those moments that happen to be captured on camera....

This child (above) for the life of him could not fathom that we were going to celebrate his birthday on the actual calendar day of his birthday.  He thought that was crazy and awesome. The night before his birthday, he could not sleep because he was just so excited.  He went to bed singing.  He woke up early.  He was pumped. And when I went to tuck him into his bed on the night of his birthday, he just kept saying, "that was so fun! My birthday was awesome!  Everyone liked my party.  I love my presents." (I gave him a $2 kite.  proof that often it doesn't take much)

Birthday boy wanted burgers.  So I drove to a nearby roadside taco stand (they are in my opinion one of the reasons that Mexico is a fantastic country - the taco stands that is) and picked up about 15 burgers. How's that for cooking?  haha and they of course came with tons of jalapeno peppers much to the boys delight.

In Mexico, it's a tradition that you smash the birthday boy's face into his cake.  We often cut up and serve and eat really smashed cake.  It might not look pretty on your plate but it tastes great. 

And Jose loved it. 

At Casa Hogar Douglas a lot of other caregivers for other dorms do something very similar and it just warms my heart to say, "YES!!" when one of my boys gets invited to his siblings' birthday party.  It's a step in the right direction towards more individualized care and less group celebrations.  

Thank you Back2Back sponsors who send money for your kid's birthday party or send birthday cards.  Those don't get lost, I promise you.  We are grateful for your partnership. 

Family Dinners with Becca

Several months ago, a recent college grad joined staff with Back2Back here in Monterrey.  Her name is Becca. She played soccer in college and likes to play soccer with the kids at Casa Hogar Douglas (the orphanage where I live). She has been nothing but a blessing to me and to Sammy and to our 10 boys.  They love it when she comes over to play soccer with them, read with them, help them with chores or stay long enough to tuck them into bed at night.  And Sammy and I love having someone to talk to and someone who helps us do all the dishes and the million other things we have to get done throughout the day with 10 boys to keep up with. 

As soon as we got back from Christmas break, Becca asked if she could cook our boys dinner.  Of course we said wholeheartedly, "YES!!" Since then, she's cooked multiple times for all 13 of us.  A trigger for a lot of emotional pain in the lives of a lot of orphaned children is food and meal times.  Meal times in a big dining hall with like 100 other people are loud, chaotic and often a reminder for a kid that they are part of a huge group, don't have a mom and it makes them feel unloved a lot of the time.  It triggers a lot of emotional hurt every time we sit down in that dining hall for whatever reason with a lot of my boys.  But if we eat in our dorm - they eat a lot more.  They are more calm.  If it's something I've cooked or Sammy or now Becca - they wouldn't care what it is or how it tastes - they think it's special and they know that YOU made it for them.  YOU care for them.  YOU went out of your way to make something for them.  They feel loved.  And Becca has insisted on doing just that.  For the record - she's a great cook and has lots of good ideas for kid friendly meals that are always spicy because that's what my Mexican pre-teen boys like. 

Typically in the dining hall, my 10 boys will run in, shovel all their food, refuse to ask for seconds even though they are hungry later, and run out in all of about 7 minutes.  I in turn have to eat in about 5 minutes to keep up with them.  But when we sit down as a family in my dorm with Becca to eat a home cooked meal - they linger for sometimes 30 minutes. We talk.  They joke and laugh. They ask for seconds.  

So Becca... thank you.  We couldn't be more grateful for you. 

SNOW

3 weeks ago it snowed here in Monterrey.  My kids had a real "snow day" and got to throw the first snow balls of their lives.  There was one attempt at a snowman by Arturo.  I woke up and looked out the window to see ice and snow everywhere.  Here in Monterrey if the temperature drops into the 30's they cancel school.  For most Americans, this seems pretty strange but considering that a high percentage of the Mexican population lives below the Mexican poverty line - many don't have access to any form of heat or insulation in their houses or really warm clothing.  Most kids walk about a mile or so to school each day and the elementary school that the majority of my boys attend only has enough electricity to turn on the lights or anything else in only 2 of the school's 7 classrooms at once.  So all that being said - Monterrey's public schools have lots of "snow days" because it's cold but for once there was actual snow and the kids had a blast.

One of my kids had some debt and was trying to find jobs to do to earn money and asked me, "Caroline I want a chore/job - got any ideas?" To which I said, "Gee I don't know... how about you get all the ice off the stairs?"  ---First time in my Floridian life that I've ever had that phrase come out of my mouth.  So he decided to taste it.