Life

John 10:10 says that, “the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

This verse deeply touched my soul tonight.

Our enemy Satan only desires to steal, kill and destroy.  He destroys peace within families.  And then he destroys the family. 

For my boys – this could not be more evident in their lives.  The enemy has destroyed their families. 

But Jesus Christ came to give us life and to give us life to the full.  Jesus Christ comes to heal our wounds, bind up our broken hearts and restore peace to broken families. 

My boys and their families need the light of Jesus Christ to restore to them what has been lost for a long, long time – many for generations.   You see, a lot of my boys have moms or a dad or an aunt or a grandma but none of them are emotionally and spiritually healthy enough to take care of these precious children.  The same family members who were supposed to be loving and raising these children have neglected them, abandoned them, watched while others abused them, ignored them and hurt them.  It’s all too easy to place judgment on the mom who visits her kids one Sunday per month but the truth is – a lot of these moms grew up in orphanages themselves.  They are just as broken, bruised and battered as my boys – only difference is that they are all “grown up” and have reproduced. 

The only way any of this can change is through the light of Christ. 

I need Christ.

My boys need Christ.

Their families need Christ.

And when anyone encounters the living God… that’s when lives change. 

Would you join me in praying for my boys’ families to be restored to a life of abundance in Christ?

Healthy Outlets

           One of my boys (all really but one in particular) is very angry and hyperactive.  In meetings with his teachers and principals this year, I have said that I fear he’ll end up beating his wife someday or in jail because of how unbelievably angry he is. He recently had to change elementary schools because of his extreme outbursts of unfavorable behavior.  Several months ago, as an outlet for my own personal frustrations, I started running again after years of inactivity.   I’m addicted to it all over again, feeling healthier, have more energy and I look forward to it daily.  I wanted the same type of outlet for one of my “foster sons” of sorts (you don’t hear caregivers in an orphanage setting refer to their kids as “foster sons” but they feel like mine so I’ll use the term) so I invited him to go running with me one morning.  He loved it. Running releases lots of endorphins and apparently can have the same effects as an anti-depressant.  His behavior and sleep have improved as well as my relationship with him.  

For several weeks, I only brought him running with me – we’d go for about 2 to 3 miles each time.  But this past week, I decided to run long laps with about 7 of the kids from Douglas who have been begging me to let them run with me just so I could see who could potentially hit the streets running with me and keep up.  We ran for about 24 minutes and half the kids gave up early on – others stuck with it. I shouldn’t have been surprised at what I found but honestly I was….. one of my boys – my smallest little man who is a ball of well… I’ll describe him as a "miniature pit bull" of sorts --- can run for miles without getting tired.   He has more energy than any child I’ve ever met.  I should have thought of this a long, long time ago. Today as we were running through the neighborhood he kept yelling, “Caroline I love running.  I love running like this!”  Today he convinced a white pit bull off the street to follow us all the way back to the children’s home from 1.5 miles out – the dog racing back and forth with him, following us.

I want my boys to not just enjoy getting their energy out so they can sleep better in the immediate but I want them to develop healthy habits for life – to have an outlet years from now that they can turn to when they feel frustrated or angry.   Sometimes I honestly wonder if they are learning anything from me of value.  I often ask myself if I'm doing anything right with them…  I wonder what will stick years from now out of all the things I've tried to teach them.  Long distance running is something that I think is hard to let go of once you know how awesome it makes you feel.  I started running miles and miles on the streets of Cocoa Beach everyday when I was 12 years old and all these years later – it’s still something I enjoy and know helps me manage my stress and anxiety.  After my first run with one of my kids, I realized that maybe, for once, I could be confident that I was doing something right. 

For now, you can find me and several of my boys running the streets in the early mornings or just before dark (gotta beat the 100 degree Monterrey heat).  But years from now, I hope my boys choose to run out their anger instead of taking it out on those around them.

The Battle

2 of my little ones sleeping in the bed they shared back in 2010

Most nights as I lay awake in my bed at the orphanage where I find myself living, I am startled by the screams of one of my little men.  I hear him yelling and screaming and fighting and then jump out of my bed to try to find him and calm him down.  Sometimes he's in the bathroom - sleep walking, other times in my room but more often than not, he is in his bed... screaming and yelling.  He is almost always screaming something about a fight - and is often standing in his bed - totally asleep - having a nightmare of sorts - throwing punches into the air.

My little man is battling.

This has gone on for months and months, night after night.

We decided to try turkey before bed because we'd read that it helps kids sleep.  It worked like a charm for 4 months.

And then my little man decided that he was "better" than the turkey and that he didn't like it anymore and "didn't need it."

So then his nightmares came back.

In the orphanage where I live - there are no bedrooms.... just a whole bunch of kids sharing the same big room that is our dorm.  So when he starts screaming and yelling and punching whatever - it wakes up all 9 of my other boys. When I hear him... I literally run to him to calm him down.

Tonight we put the boys to bed and 30 minutes later - my little one is yelling so I ran to him.... found him on his knees in his bed trying to fight something with his arms all while yelling.

And then it's my turn to battle... spiritually.

I think sometimes as a parent - you have NO idea what your kid might be having a nightmare about and yeah we don't know what is going on in their mind...

but I know my kid's story - some of the horrific things he's witnessed and suffered through...

and tonight as I told him that he was dreaming and that he is asleep and that he is okay and that I'm right there - as I started to pray over him for God to just let his Holy Spirit fall on my little man to protect him as he sleeps... begging for rest and peace - I couldn't help but cry... A LOT.... right there, at his bed.

People often ask me how I manage to "keep it all together in the midst of such sadness or pain" and honestly - I don't.  90% of the time I think I'm a hot mess.  I pray all the time that God would allow my heart to remain soft and to not overlook the pain in my little mens' past and present.

Clinging to hope - hope for the future for some of these kids is a challenge for me.  As I tucked this same little man into bed tonight and I prayed with him saying, "God thank you for the plans that you have for this child.  Thank you that you have plans for his future to prosper him.  Thank you that you desire good in his life."

I might never have the privilege to witness those plans play out or what that "good" might look like for this particular child... and that's okay.  For now, I get to battle with him against whatever darkness is clouding his young life.

Would you please join me in praying for this particular child?
Pray for true, honest, deep, restorative rest.
Pray for this deep sleep to allow him to grow and develop and catch up to his peers physically.
Pray for his broken heart to mend.
Pray for his anxiety levels - they are sky high.
Pray for his self esteem, self worth and identity of self.
Pray for our patience with his less than ideal behaviors throughout the day.
Pray for him to feel safe.
Pray for the darkness to flee.
Pray for Jesus to claim his victory in this child's life.

Bless It

If you’ve known me for a while, you’d know that when I hear something that I don’t like or that doesn’t sound lovely, I often respond with a verbal “bless it.”  For example, “hey Caroline. My car just broke down and my battery is dead.”  That would maybe get a “bless it” out of me.

I’ve been wrestling lately with the topic of “blessings” or “being blessed” or what it means when we think “God is blessing” someone. 

Honestly, what does it mean to be “blessed” by God?

In our American Christian culture, I think we use the term “blessing” to describe when things are going well for someone.  For me, I guess my belief system defines “blessing” as prosperity, health, ease, comfort, what I wanted, when I wanted it, to feel at rest, to feel either in control, without problems, without struggles, without trials.

But none of that is actually biblical is it?

You see, my life feels like I live in a war zone and there are constant bombs going off and grenades of sorts hurled in my direction – all day, everyday.  I live in total chaos with 10 boys in a Mexican orphanage.  My boys are typically on the edge of meltdown 24/7 and the pressures from the institution itself often feel like a slow suffocation.

When I pray to God – I think I more often than not spend the entire conversation complaining and I actually think I must sound like a whiny baby to God.  I want the pain to be over. I want things to be easier.  I want my struggles and burdens lifted.  I want to rest.  I want comfort.  I want for the problems to just stop.  I want a break.  I want out.  Often I think I want “boring.” I beg for whatever “normal” seems like, etc.

I find the beatitudes in Matthew 5 to be mind blowing on this topic.  You see, Jesus stands up to a crowd of people who are going through some rough times and He says,

“Blessed are the poor in spirit

Blessed are those who mourn

Blessed are the meek

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness

…. For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.

REJOICE and BE GLAD, because great is your reward in heaven.”

Okay so if you are anything like me – when you read that – thoughts like, “excuse me?!” or “what the junk does that mean?” or “come again.” Float through your pretty little head.  If all of that is what constitutes the biblical word “blessed,” maybe we should think twice before saying, “oh hey – God bless you,” to whomever??

For a long time, I’ve gone to God in prayer wanting some really good explanations for the pain and suffering that my boys have experienced and continue to experience in their young lives.  I want justice.  I want action.  And I want it so fast – I want justice and action to have happened yesterday.  I want to see my God just show up and like a super hero in some action movie – blow everyone out of the water and save the day and take every single tear from my childrens’ eyes (and mine too b/c I’m often more of a hysterical mess than they seem to be).

But what I’m realizing or finally acknowledging/accepting/owning and finally willing to stand on – is the truth that God is our CONSTANT in the ever changing.  God is our refuge and our strength in times of battle and weakness.  He is our ever-present help in trouble (Ps 46). God is our light in the darkness.  God wants to be my shelter and the refuge that I turn to in the midst of the chaos (Ps 91). 

God never said that He’d take away the hard stuff (John 16:33).  He just wants to meet me there in the midst of the crazy.  God longs to be my break and my fortress in the battle.  He wants to be my shield for the fight.  He never said He’d make the fight stop or make it go away. 

And to top it off – God says that we are MORE THAN CONQUERORS in this fight (Ro 8:37) Like I can see God on the sidelines of a race just trying to yell and holding a series of neon signs that read,

“Race actually has no end until you die.”   (wow comforting! right?)

few miles later…

“So you should quit being stubborn and rest in ME”

miles and years later…

“I ALREADY WON!! You are more than a conqueror.  You have won. START BELIEVING IT AND ACTING LIKE IT!”

At the end of all of this – I would really like to hear something like, “You have run the race.  You didn’t give up.  You kept the faith.  You kept your eye on the prize.  Well done my good and faithful servant.”  And then in the background I feel like I’d hear something like billions of angels singing, “bless the Lord O my Soul! Worship His holy name!”  (It’s my version of heaven so I get to pick the song)

So back to the beatitudes… Matthew 5.  It times of total prosperity, ease, comfort, happiness – I think it’s way too easy to just straight up forget God –  His existence, involvement, provision, deity, holiness.  It’s in those times of just struggle that we more often than not finally turn to Him, long for Him, realize our need for Him.  It is in the midst of holy battles that we find our rest, our hope, our comfort, communion, and purpose in the Lord and in this life.

Immaturity lies to us saying that everything would be so much better if we could just coast through life and have someone wake us up when it’s all over and when I’m wiser and older and don’t have to learn things the hard way.

Luke 11 says that if we ask for him, he will come and give us the best gift of all – He will give us himself – his Holy Spirit. 

Ultimately – that’s what I want to long for… more of Him.  Don’t you?

Bless it.